I Miss the Way We Sleep

"I miss those (brown) eyes, how you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep; like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile. I miss the way we breathe. But I never told you, what I should have said. No I never told you, I just held it in; and now, I miss EVERYTHING about you."

It's amazing the power this song has over me. I listen to it and I immediately feel the same emotion that I felt crying myself to sleep after Anthony died. And to be quite honest, there are still nights that I do the same as I did a week after he was gone...and it's been more than five months.
FIVE MONTHS?! How the hell have you been out of my life for five fucking months?! It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't feel possible. When I look at pictures or hear a song that reminds me of you (like Just Dance haha or some good ole Jason Mraz) I'm taken back to the times dancing in the backseat of Haley's car or staying up literally all night and the next morning and just playing our favorite music for each other while Haley and Michael got pissed because we wouldn't shut up. I guess fitting four people into one huge bed probably wasn't the best idea when two of them wanted to sleep and all I wanted to do was get to know you. You would still tell me that I was the one who kept you up all night, and maybe that is so, but I don't regret pulling that all-nighter with you for one second, even though I was dead tired the next day and you had football practice at 6am. That was the night I got to know you. That was the night I decided, 'I like this guy. He's wonderful, and nothing like I expected.'
I still cannot process the idea that you're gone. I've never understood when people lose someone and they feel like a piece of them is missing, until now. I feel a hole in my heart. I feel like you took it with you to where ever you are, and all I want is for you to bring it back and for you to stick around with it. It hurts too much to have a part of me gone. You knew me better than a lot of people. You saw right through me. You could make me cry because I was so angry at you, and kiss you five minutes later because you apologized and put those arms around me and charmed me with your smile. I still don't understand how we became such great friends. I don't understand why you were so nice to me, so loving towards me. You treated me better than just about any friend I've ever had. You even listened to me cry when I called you about my grandmother, and you told me everything would be okay. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you before I said it to her.

I simply cannot believe you are gone. I can't accept it yet. I'm not to that point. You surround me. You are everywhere I look. And I miss you every damn day. All I needed was for you to come and put your arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and you weren't here. And it hurts. It literally aches. And I'm not sure when it won't anymore. I miss you my dear. And I love you, so much.

You Got to Have Faith

Religion. I'm so torn on this topic. And yes I mean the topic, in general. Sometimes I love the topic of religion, and sometimes I despise it. I HATE when people judge others on what they believe. I know 'hate' isn't a great word to use when speaking about the subject, but I feel it is appropriate so I will use it. I like when people share their religion with others who WANT to hear it. If someone doesn't want to hear it, (I like to think I don't have a bad mouth, but I honestly have no better way to say this...) please, shut the fuck up. Don't you dare tell someone they are 'going to hell' for something they do or do not believe. To those people I ask: when did you focus so much on this idea of being such a perfect image to God that you lost your humanity?

I have found many different definitions of religion, and this is my favorite:

religion: a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith.

I like this because it allows different principle beliefs and philosophies to be referred to as 'religion', which is a word I quite like.

So you may be asking what religion I am. My answer is that I have no idea. Most days I believe in God. This belief has gotten me through some tough times. The idea that God loves, and God gives and that we should live a good life, a positive life and follow God is just lovely to me. I also have great admiration for those who truly follow Jesus and try to live and love like him. But here's where it gets complicated: everyone interprets Jesus, God, the bible and everything else every religion has to offer, differently. Some people say premarital sex is bad, others think not. Some people think that drinking alcohol is bad, others don't. Yet, they all claim to be 'Christian' or some kind of branch of Christianity. So what is right? I believe in being courteous, kind and loving to yourself, others, and nature. I believe in being a good person, and being open minded. I believe in karma and balance. I believe that love and kindness conquers all; all ways, always. I believe in hope. And yes, I believe everyone should have faith in something, or someone.

Just breathe...

Here we go again with the mind changing. I cannot make decisions to save my life. I want to teach. I know this...but do I really want to major in English Secondary Ed??? Will I be stuck?! Will I be able to get a job?! Eye yei yei! I've always been a big fan of Biology, hence my Environmental Science - Bio ex-major, and now minor, but I have this enormous love for English and the content area. So what do I do? It's pretty up in the air right now, which I am not a fan of...things being up in the air that is. I would really like a concrete career path, but I can't seem to get to that point. I think I just need to take it easy, step back, breathe, and do what my heart tells me.

In other news, Jenna Bee and I are going to Bikram Yoga and I am incredibly nervous to say the least. Class starts in less than two hours and I'm just finishing up my supper, which is a yummy salad with organic romaine lettuce, roma tomatoes, garbanzo beans, some cous-cous (the food so nice you say it twice!), fresh mozzarella cheese and of course avocado and my favorite salad dressing. I just learned today that the studio will be an insane 110 degrees! Yikes! My guess is that I will come back at least 3lbs lighter after the hour and a half class. Good thing I already drink a lot of water on a regular basis! I hope it will be enjoyable, but I'm 99% positive I will end up laying in a pool of sweat on my mat after the first 10 minutes. Here's to hoping I make it through!

Feeling the Pull

Tonight is a lovely evening in Flagstaff. Yes, it's a little chilly, but as I sit in front of the window there's a wonderful rain scented breeze flowing through the screen and I can just feel the rain coming...or maybe it's just how my hair is acting...take a look!

I heard this wonderful song by the Swell Season called 'Feeling the Pull' and I couldn't relate to it more. Lately I've been wanting so much more...to get out and LIVE. I want to travel, I want to do something wonderful that I can tell people about and feel accomplished about. I feel so small sometimes, and although I'm perfectly okay with feeling small, I want something to dedicate my life to...or something along those lines. I think I just need a project.
I started reading this book called Turtle Feet and it is a memoir about a young man that quit everything because he wanted to go to India and become a Buddhist monk...why can't I do something great like that? Oh right, because I'm 19 years young and I have the rest of my life to do it. I don't want to wait though. I know people say that there is no rush growing up, but most of the time I long for grown up things. I can't wait to graduate, to join the Peace Corps, to start teaching, to settle down, get married, have kids, live a quiet life. Of course, the marriage and kids thing will most likely be a while considering the fact that I am not anywhere close to even having a boyfriend...but I want these things NOW. I feel like I am waiting for my life to start, and I don't like that feeling. I've been trying so hard to focus on living in the now, but it seems all I can do is focus on the future. Maybe this is all just hitting me now because I have what seems like everyone around me getting married, having children and starting their own lives. I suppose it comes with the passing years. I just feel slightly unaccomplished compared to other people's lives. Maybe I shouldn't compare my life to others...that cannot be healthy. But, I just hope one day someone will love me, my story, my life, and it inspires them. I find so much inspiration from other people and other things that I must wonder if someone with ever find me interesting, and inspiring...

P.S. I am in NO WAY ready to get married or have children...but the thought of it excites me to the extreme.

For the love of you.

Why is it that we do so much to please other people? Why don't we do something that we love, for us. I notice, all to often, that people do stuff just to make somebody else happy. We often act as completely different people to impress someone, to show them something that they might like. But I've noticed that when we act as someone we're not, we lose ourselves.

I look at the people around me, and at the country I live in and I wonder, how often do people stop to do something that they love, simply because they love it? I have this spot in Prescott that I love watching the sunset (there's nothing like an Arizona sunset), and I do it because it brings me peace. I don't know why I love the sky so much from that exact place in comparison to other places, but it's something that I would rather not analyze. I don't want to break down each color of the sunset or focus on WHY I love it. I watch the sunset from there because it's beautiful, and that's all I know.

I want to start living my entire life in this way: doing things for me; not for other people. I want to travel, I want to love, I want to watch the sunset from my favorite place with no distractions. This is my focus. To enjoy, to love, and to live life.

Tommy Boy

Me and my buddy Tom are busy packing. At least I have him to bring me through a room full of cardboard boxes...

Dissertations of My Dad

When I was younger, my dad used to lecture me on something or other every morning on the way to school. It was a pretty solid routine. Get in the car, lecture, Pangea Bakery for breakfast (my favorite was, and always will be Nicole's pumpkin chocolate chip muffins! Yum!), and then he would keep on lecturing until I got out of the car at school. To be honest, I cannot remember what all of these talks were about. There were too many. They were always random life lessons that he wanted me to learn. One day, I asked him if he recognized our routine....how he gave me a life lesson everyday on the way to school. He laughed and said, "Yes. You know, you should really take notes and someday you can write a book entitled, Dissertations of My Dad." (I am using italics because I cannot find the underlining button...and I also am not sure why I am explaining this, but just go with it). Looking back, I wish I would have! I think it would be a really cool idea for a book. My dad is a very intelligent man and I wish I would've taken those notes so that I could remember all those things he told me and I could share them! I am writing this because in my previous blog I wrote about why I am writing this, and I feel that this is a perfect example...if I write in this blog enough, I can look back at it later and remember things that I may have forgotten about.

I've been thinking about how much I miss my dad lately. He moved back east on the first of the year and it's beyond weird not having him in the same town or at least close to the same town as me. I miss him terribly. I know that a lot of people say that they have the best parents in the world, but I swear, I really do. My dad is not someone who many people find "easy" to get along with. And to be honest, he's not. But I find it easy to get along with him (most of the time), and I think that it is because I am his daughter and I share a lot of his "character." My dad is a very "no bull-shit" kind of person. He doesn't put up with people's inabilities to act like responsible, considerate humans beings. I seem notice this attribute in myself quite often, and even more as I get older. I don't like dealing with people who aren't on the same level as I am. Yes, I know this sounds conceited and in some ways, perhaps it is. But I do not find it unreasonable to expect kindness, consideration, and an overall understanding of common sense from those around me. This absolutely stems from my father. (This picture was taken in Italy right after we came down from the top of Brunelleschi's dome. This was the only reason my dad wanted to go to Florence, just to see this amazing piece of architecture. I don't blame him, it was pretty cool. I like this picture because my dad doesn't usually smile too much, but he was so happy to see this amazing work. I was happy to share that with him).

For instance, I live in an apartment that I rent from a property management place-thing, and the woman that my room mate and I deal with is, without question, a ditz. Not only is she a ditz, she doesn't return phone calls! My room mate and I had called her to see if we could possibly extend our lease for a month (something that probably would've been beneficial to her). We left her several messages, and she never called us back! For crying out loud, this is your JOB. You get paid to arrange these things. I have a feeling it's because we are "students." Seriously? Just because we are students doesn't mean you shouldn't treat us with the same respect that you treat your other clients. Needless to say, she is terrible at her job and I think she should be fired.

One of the things my father always does is call people back. If somebody is trying to get a hold of you, for goodness sakes, pick up the telephone and ring them back! I don't know why this bothers me SO much, but it really does. Please, just call me back. Even if I don't have anything important to say to you.

Speaking of my dad, I cannot wait to see him this summer. I will by flying back east to go see him and the rest of my family sometime later this summer. Before my dad moved, we would go every year to see the family that lives there (aunts, uncles, grandma, cousins), but this is the first year I will be traveling by myself. But I love plane rides and I've been in airports more times than I can count so I'm not too worried about it.

One of my favorite visits when I go see my family is when my aunt takes my cousin and I to Sleepy Hollow! Yes, the real Sleepy Hollow! It's been one of those weird obsessions that people have, like collecting stamps or something. I collect Sleepy Hollow things! The cemetery is one of the most beautiful places I've been. It overlooks the Hudson and I am always filled with a sense of peace when I'm there. I always like looking at the names of the graves, and the Rockefellers have a pretty cool family mausoleum there. I wish I could find a picture on my computer of the whole thing, but this is the only one I ran across while I was looking.
Anyway, needless to say, I am anxious to get out of town for at least a week. I think my dad and I are going to visit Montreal for a couple days as well. I will finally be able to use my French for once in my life! It should be fun trip, especially because I love spending time with my dad, just the two of us. I think it's something that I didn't cherish enough when I could do it all the time. One of those things you don't miss until it's gone.

Mexico 2006, maybe?
This is my dad giving me one of his infamous, "you're being ridiculous" looks. I can't remember why.
Same Mexico trip.
I am so thankful that he is my dad, and I am proud to be his daughter.

-Funny fact: I cannot remember a time, even once, in my life that I have ever called my father Dad. Not once. It's always been Daddy. Dad just doesn't fit. Haha, I thought I would share.