Post Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving

Why is it that we always want what we cannot have?

Curly hair isn't good enough, straight is better. Tan skin is the most attainable if you are super pale. The boy you can't have is your dream guy...when does it stop?

This is where it stops. Or at least I attempt to stop wanting the opposites from that of which I have. After having such a wonderful Thanksgiving and reflecting on all of the sweet things that this life has to offer, I still have to remind myself that I am happy. I am content. I keep thinking about all these things that life will hopefully bring me in the future and I seem to forget about everything I have right in front of me. I'm nineteen, and I feel so old and you know what...it's alright. I just have to keep in mind that I'm not old. I have a long way before all the wonderful stuff that life will bring. It's not quite time yet and I need to enjoy this time, the now. So this is a reminder to myself: SLOW DOWN. Appreciate the now a little more so you don't regret rushing past it in the future.

And to quote the oh so wonderful Cat Stevens, or Yusef Islam if you prefer (and yes, you have permission to make fun of me):

"It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy. You're still young, that's your fault; there's so much you have to learn."

Give Thanks.

Happy almost-Thanksgiving! I already know I will not be writing tomorrow because I'll be too busy digesting delicious food at home with the family, so I thought I would celebrate my favorite holiday (via blogging) an evening early.

Oh Thanksgiving, how I adore thee! Your warm fuzzy nature, your family values, your delicious (no shy emphasis on the DELICIOUS) grub and not to mention the wine. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for the following reasons: the food (okay, duh, we get it), the family (even the crazy ones), the colors!!! (I love, love oranges and browns and fall-ish colors), did I mention the food? And I love Thanksgiving because it's like Christmas...except you're not obligated to give gifts to people you don't really want to.

But most of all, I love the food.

Thanksgiving is also a time to reflect upon things that we are, well, thankful for.

Me? I'm thankful for my family, without which I would have nothing. And I'm thankful for my friends, who are my family and therefore who also I would have nothing without. And this year, I am especially thankful for the chance to be going to a university and studying what I enjoy, to live in a beautiful house that I never imagined I would live in and last but not least, the brand new opportunity I have been granted for change in my place of work. So long corporate America...it's been a real ride.

So, as I give you all these warm and fuzzy examples of personal gratitude, I leave you with your own thoughts about what you are grateful for...both in general as well as this particular time in your life. Happy eating!

You ride a bike and read Rilke so it's meant to be love.

I'm not the most avid poetry reader, but I think I read more than most people my age. I enjoy when the right poem falls into my lap and I get so incredibly caught up in it that I must read more of that author. To me, this is the best way to find a great writer.

My absolute favorite author is a German poet by the name of Rainer Maria Rilke. I cannot even remember the first time I heard of him, and I can't say that many people I have asked about him know very much (maybe I'm asking the wrong people), but oh he is wonderful! I cannot simply tell you how much I love him because I can't find the words, so instead I will let you read a little bit for yourself.

First, a quick passage from an essay by Rilke that I love...

"...Where is he among us who dare speak of love?

Verily, nature speaks not of love; nature bears it in her heart and none knows the heart of nature. Verily, God bears love in the world, yet the world overwhelms us. Verily, the mother speaks not of love, for it is borne for her within the child, and the child destroys it. Verily, the spirit speaks not of love, for the spirit thrusts it into the future, and the future is remote. Verily, the lover speaks not of love, for to the lover it comes in sorrow, and sorrow sheds tears."

Secondly, I share with you one that makes me giggle a little. This is a forewarning that it is a little sensual. Okay...fine, a lot. Although it is pretty in depth, I love that he was bold and brave enough to be so honest and pure in his poetry.

This is the fourth poem from the Seven Phallic Poems by Rilke.

You don't know towers, with your diffidence.

Yet now you'll become aware

of a tower in that wonderful rare

space in you. Hide your countenance.

You've erected it unsuspectingly,

by turn and glance and indirection,

and I, blissful one, am allowed entry.

Ah, how in there I am so tight.

Coax me to come forth to the summit:

so as to fling into your soft night,

with the soaring of a womb-dazzling rocket,

more feeling than I am quite.

And lastly, one of my favorites.

The Lovers by Rilke

See how in their veins all becomes spirit:

into each other they mature and grow.

Like axles, their forms tremblingly orbit,

round which it whirls, bewitching and aglow.

Thirsters, and they receive drink,

watchers, and see: they receive sight.

Let them into one another sink

so as to endure each other outright.

(...and cue the handsome gentleman, fellow lover of Rilke)

Fam-wee!

This weekend, I attended my cousin's wedding. I cannot believe he's married. It seems like just yesterday he was single and ready to mingle!

My cousin is an incredibly special person to me. My brother and I have always been close to our cousins Landon and Ashlee, and I've always considered them more to be siblings than cousins. Landon has always been there like a brother. He has laughed with me, cried with me, encouraged and supported me and isn't afraid to make fun of me. I've always felt like I could tell him anything.

I don't talk to Landon or see him near as much as I used to or as I would like to, and this makes it a little hard when I do see him because I often feel like there should be something done to fix this. It's hard to keep in contact with family when you both are so busy. This is partly why I was so excited to see him this weekend! I was so proud of him as he said his vows and promised his love to Nellie. She is quite the amazing woman herself, someone who makes you feel instantly loved and though you've known her forever. I couldn't be happier for them both and I am excited to seewhere their lives take them. These aren't the best pictures, just a few that I got while I was busy trying to wipe my tears away.

Lando Banano, I'm so happy for you and I couldn't have picked a better wife for you.

Nellie, I'm so excited you're a part of my family. "WE'RE FUCKING RELATED NOW!"

Love you both.

Whorehouse Arizona

Miscellaneous tidbits.

I just bought the new Kings of Leon album and it has made my heart indescribably happy. I love, love Kings and I could probably listen to them for a ridiculously extended amount of time. I find their music to be quite powerful, and their lyrics resonate truth and emotion. I just want them to come back to Arizonaaa!

Oh, Arizona. You are quite the beautiful state. Your varying climates and beautiful, vast skies have made me a happy girl for the last twelve years of my life. I just want to take a moment to say that I appreciate you, in all of your beauty.

I think I need to get a kick start on this bucket list thing. I really want to experience some of my things that I have on it and be able to check them off my list. I think I'll start with the tattoo. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

I'm in love with Arrested Development. It's wonderfully hilarious. I tend to watch it when I need an escape from homework. However, I need to spend less time watching it and reading.

I need a new book to read. I must do that tomorrow.

My dear cousin is getting married on Saturday, and I couldn't be happier for him.

I want to date. Just good ole dating. Fun. Simple.

I. Cannot. Get. Over. KOL.

Ride on the Peace Train

Oh, the Peace Corps...I can hear you calling my name!

I've got my life plan set in motion...finally. Or some sort of temporary plan at least. I'm finally excited about my major; Environmental Sciences: Biology with a minor in English. I made the decision to switch from and English major after the self-realization that I need the security of having a back-up plan to teaching English. Plus, I love, love my program. It interests me as much as English, and I can be sure that it'll get me into a job that I love in case teaching doesn't pan out right away. But teaching is what I want to do. I don't care if I don't make a lot of money, or I have misbehaved students that give me nightmares occasionally. I'm not afraid of anyone's horror stories. I cannot wait to get in the classroom and start teaching! Whether it be English or Bio, I know I'll find what's right for me.

So, in short, here's my plan: get through my undergrad and head for the Peace Corps. Although the idea of being so committed for a long period of time, I'm excited and eager to do it. The Peace Corps has been in my mind for a long time now and I know it's what I want to do. I suppose things could change and when I get closer to graduation I'll want to change my plan, but this just seems right. I want to travel, to help people, to teach, to learn.

School is well and work is exhausting. I cannot wait until summer...and I'm not even half way through the year. Oh, boy.

I Miss the Way We Sleep

"I miss those (brown) eyes, how you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep; like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile. I miss the way we breathe. But I never told you, what I should have said. No I never told you, I just held it in; and now, I miss EVERYTHING about you."

It's amazing the power this song has over me. I listen to it and I immediately feel the same emotion that I felt crying myself to sleep after Anthony died. And to be quite honest, there are still nights that I do the same as I did a week after he was gone...and it's been more than five months.
FIVE MONTHS?! How the hell have you been out of my life for five fucking months?! It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't feel possible. When I look at pictures or hear a song that reminds me of you (like Just Dance haha or some good ole Jason Mraz) I'm taken back to the times dancing in the backseat of Haley's car or staying up literally all night and the next morning and just playing our favorite music for each other while Haley and Michael got pissed because we wouldn't shut up. I guess fitting four people into one huge bed probably wasn't the best idea when two of them wanted to sleep and all I wanted to do was get to know you. You would still tell me that I was the one who kept you up all night, and maybe that is so, but I don't regret pulling that all-nighter with you for one second, even though I was dead tired the next day and you had football practice at 6am. That was the night I got to know you. That was the night I decided, 'I like this guy. He's wonderful, and nothing like I expected.'
I still cannot process the idea that you're gone. I've never understood when people lose someone and they feel like a piece of them is missing, until now. I feel a hole in my heart. I feel like you took it with you to where ever you are, and all I want is for you to bring it back and for you to stick around with it. It hurts too much to have a part of me gone. You knew me better than a lot of people. You saw right through me. You could make me cry because I was so angry at you, and kiss you five minutes later because you apologized and put those arms around me and charmed me with your smile. I still don't understand how we became such great friends. I don't understand why you were so nice to me, so loving towards me. You treated me better than just about any friend I've ever had. You even listened to me cry when I called you about my grandmother, and you told me everything would be okay. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you before I said it to her.

I simply cannot believe you are gone. I can't accept it yet. I'm not to that point. You surround me. You are everywhere I look. And I miss you every damn day. All I needed was for you to come and put your arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay, and you weren't here. And it hurts. It literally aches. And I'm not sure when it won't anymore. I miss you my dear. And I love you, so much.